Halling Station R.I.P.

Sadly as our station has come to an end

I’d like to say a little something……and I hope I won’t offend

I’ll do my best to keep it clean, but I’m sure you will agree

That will be more or less impossible, so I’m gonna take the ‘P’

Each victim I’ve included hasn’t got a clue

As to what I am gonna say or what I’m gonna do

But now that I have started, the damage has been done

So don’t take it personally, it’s just a bit of fun

 

My right-hand man stood in for me when I was never there

His porn star looks, 70’s moustache, and ever changing hair

They call him Kev and apparently he was the richest of the crew

But judging by the clothes he wears, I don’t think that’s very true

 

One of two granddads on our station, his name is Dave

Now has to set an example and try to behave

Not quite old enough for his pension to draw

Maybe a stair-lift though up to the cab door

Two things he does though, like old men do

Is regularly fart and go to the loo

But one thing’s for sure, you’ll never meet

Someone else who’s got smellier feet

Those in the village know him so well

He always stops with a story to tell

But sometimes this can lead to frustration

When all the rest of us want, is to get back to station

 

Steve Brooks is Dave’s rival, we’re all told

Another young granddad who doesn’t look old

Often out biking, but not in the rain

He’ll need to trade it in soon, for that new zimmer frame

Only OUR driver it has to be true

Coz 4 wheels are always better than two

They’ve introduced fitness tests, even for him

Good job Larkfield has got a new gym

Jogging and rowing to burn off the pies

Brooksy in lycra – a sight for sore eyes

 

Then there’s Daryl who, it can be said, does like a little drink

And sometimes when the pager goes off, his breath still a little stinks

If it is a B.A. job, he’s nowhere to be seen

Or come to think of it any job, he isn’t very keen

But one thing is for sure, if he gets the hump

You’ll guarantee to find him at the back end of the pump

He does like his driving and it’s very plain to see

That he would like to ride in charge, but can’t, coz it’s usually Leigh

 

Which brings me nicely onto firefighter Tucker

Who, some say, is an argumentative little fffffellow

He’s always got something to say

And doesn’t do anything unless it’s linked to pay

 

Moving swiftly on to my next victim

He goes by the name of postman Jim

Whenever TOR’s or work’s to be done

In the office you’ll find him sitting on his bum

And when he’s asked to make the tea

He simply replies "that’s not for me"

He’s always the first to leave the station

Is it for on line dating or just masturbation

But one thing with Jim you can rely

He scoffs all the biscuits and that’s no lie

 

We’ve got a girl on station, as part of our crew

When she arrived they changed our loo

Ripped out our urinal, which made quite a din

And replaced it, guess what, with a sanitary bin

We now share the same toilet, and have a lock on the door

But still hasn’t stopped us from pissing on the floor

For three weeks a month she fits right in

But God help us all when the painters are in

 

We now come to Richard, our electrical guy

When he first joined he was a little bit shy

But that is now a thing of the past

Just like his trousers were, all at half mast

Responds to the station, just as the pump’s gone out

Oh shit he thinks, I’ve missed another shout

Responding from Cuxton, can be quite a pain

But now’s getting paid twice, to work from Grain

But now that he’s gone what will we do

When it comes to the admin or cleaning the loo

 

Now, Michael’s our joker and thinks he’s quite brave

He turns up for drills, minus a shave

We have a parade to check all our gear

But "Sorry Guv, I’ve lost it" is all that I hear

He’s usually texting or fooling around

Hanging half naked from our pump, he was once found.

 

Up until Christmas, they were part of our crew

Until Paul and Buzz went to pastures new

Paul with a shiny new van, went to plaster

But with Buzz…..oh dear, what a disaster

Managing Buzz was always bad news

Everything he touched he would break, or lose

He was very polite and always said sorry

But detailing him was always a worry

Talking about Buzz, I could go on for ages

But, quite simply, there’s not enough pages

 

Stephen Hermish is another, who has flown the nest

But landed in London, which is second best

He worked for Sainsburys and used to bake

Which was handy for us, coz he brought us in cake

He’d put them on the table, but before we ate

We’d just have a look at the sell-by date

He used to be single, but recently wed

Now under the thumb, like us, it has to be said

 

Last but not least we have Stevie Head

A pleasant young man it has to be said

Knocked on our door about 5 years ago

"Please Sir, can I be a fireman – I want to know"

Every Wednesday since then he was first at the door

But all he could do was sweep the floor

He moved swiftly on to making the tea

But then I thought we’re taking the ‘P’

But now he’s here he fits right in

And officially now he can empty the bin

 

There’s one person left out from my pages of rhyme

I would like to say more but, guess what, I’ve run out of time

So onwards and upwards and no looking back

It’s off to Larkfield, with your bags all packed

No more Wednesday night drills for me, or pantomimes

What am I going to do with all that spare time

One thing’s for sure in the time that’s gone by

Are the friendships I’ve made, and that’s no lie

As we go on our own separate way

Keeping in touch is all that I pray

So, join with me and raise a glass or two

Good luck to us all in whatever we do

 

CHEERS Mark.                                            31/03/2012